"it's almost crazy how one small decision can change the course of your entire life. some are good, some can be horribly miserable and even the most daring of choices can have the most glorious future. some leave you in regret, some become the hope you've been searching for. yet when you step into the unknown; into the beat of a different drum, and into what you've wanted your entire life; you become yourself. for although it becomes the unknown, it is what you were destined for. soon it will become so familiar, almost a part of you. you start to wonder if you ever really lived any differently before. no matter how small or big they are, the choices we make will effect the course of our entire lives. some point you in a completely different direction, and some bring you off course; it's up to us to let our choices drag us farther and farther from our calling, or to get ourselves back on the path that we were destined for. the choice is up to you though. can or will you chose greatness? or will you chose to lose your way in the unknown?"

"I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light."



i leave for costa rica for my missions trip in a few hours. i just finished packing and getting everything i need together. hopefully my suitcase is under 50lbs. haha. i'm nervous, excited, anxious, and a million other things combined. this is something very new to me. i'm stepping out of my comfort zone. i'm going to be doing things i've never done before and changing lives in little and big ways. i can't wait! this just might be a new door to many others.

i'll be back on the 21st, i'll post about everything. unfortunately i don't have my camera because it fell in a waterfall and has water damage but i'll most likely put Rae's pictures up here if she brings her camera which she probably will.

:)

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain... mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy... mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful and be realistic... to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure...yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes." It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied, I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

-Oriah

i had gone so far out on a limb with my feelings but i didn't realize i was standing out there alone.

well... it looks as if i'm finally starting to come out of the rut i've been in. and it feels nice. i'm finally taking the steps i need to take to get back to where i wanna be and move forward. i can't even begin to explain how happy it makes me that this past weekend was as gorgeous as it was. and how good it felt to finally get out and be with the people i enjoy and enjoy the warm weather and have a blast. i've missed that more than anything. bye bye hibernation.




side note... i'm going to be going to costa rica for a week on a missions trip. i'll be at a camp helping out kids and doing work down there and just showin them some good ol fashioned TLC that they might not get as much as they should. anyway... i have to raise money and whatnot, if anyone wants to donate to help me get there would be sweeeet. just puttin that out there, ya never know. if anywould would like to help or donate, anything at all, just let me know.

i can't believe it's been a year today. it's been one whole year and my stomach still feels as sick as it did when i think about it. sometimes i forget and think youre just far away up in the boonies... because forgetting seems so much easier than remembering day to day that its real. you have nothing to worry about, but you already know that. mikael is being more than taken care of, and thats an understatement. he's so much like a little part of you, dancing around, making people smile, learning how to love at such a young age. learning the little things in life that mean the most. and i know we will see you again someday... i love you babygirl, and i miss you. <3.













i dont think time heals, really. i think time just brings you closer to when you'll meet again.

a ghetto love is the law that we live by
day by day I wonder why my shorty had to die
I reminice over my ghetto princess everyday
give it up for my shorty. <3.

wow.... thats pretty fucked up...

i'll be living in puerto rico from jan 10th 15th til march 6th... aaaaaaaaaand i can't waiiiit.

one of these days i'm gonna punch you in your fucking mouth. i'm so sick of this bullshit.

i feel like the black sheep of the family... i guess i always have. it sucks having to walk on eggshells around the people you should trust the most. i dont like that feeling at all. why do you think i come home to sleep and thats about it? i pay my rent and i dont bother anyone, i mind my own business. there are so many things i would like to say but it doesnt even matter.

welp, this is the outline and shading. the more i think about it, i wonder if i should put the color in right away, or if i should just wait awhile. but anyways, this is what it looks like so far.

mark drew that up for me yesterday while i was at work, stopped in when we werent too busy to figure out when i was going to come in&get it started. saturday im getting the outline, then ill see what happens from there.


EDIT: it's going to be on my right forearm.

i miss you so much... it hurts to breathe sometimes. even that feels like an understatement.




as much as i hate crying in front of people... it hurts so much more crying all alone.

This sums it all up . . .

I believe -

. . . that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe -

. . . that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe -

. . . that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe -

. . . that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe -

. . . that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe -

. . . that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe -

. . . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe -

. . . that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe -

. . . that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe -

. . . that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe -

. . . That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe -

. . . that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe -

. . . that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe -

. . . that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe -

. . . that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel

I believe -

. . . that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe -

. . . that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe -

. . . that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe -

. . . that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe -

. . . that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe -

. . . two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe -

. . . that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe -

. . . that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe -

. . . that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe -

. . . that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe -

. . . that you should send this to all of the people that you believe in. I just did.

it seems as if every moment i get to myself, i can do nothing but think. things ive never thought about before, things i think about constantly, things that have just stuck in my head that i forgot about and worked its away around to find me again. i would like some peace of mind... just for a little bit. i want to clear my head. i try to think of an emotion that ive been feeling lately but i honestly cant think of a word to describe it. i feel like im stuck in my thoughts.

it hasnt even been 10 minutes since ive woken up and i already feel miserable. all i can do is think about stupid pointless shit and it just keeps coming and coming. sometimes i wish i never open myself up to people. no matter what, whether its my fault or someone elses, it always ends same. at the end of the day i always feel alone. i always feel one step short away from anything i ever go for or search for or need or want. sometimes i dont try enough, and sometimes i give everything i have but still get left in the dust. i never even talk about it. everyday i feel this way but i just think to myself that its no big deal, tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be different, something new will come along, something good will happen... but it doesnt. so i just dream about it, and think about it, and hope that it eventually will. i just end up disappointing myself and others. all i do is just try to be happy and sometimes that works, other times it doesnt. but i figure its worth a shot. i just feel like if i keep it to myself then i wont have to bother anyone else. but i think for the most part... if i keep it to myself, then i can deny how im truely feeling and pretend things are okay and maybe if nobody knows then i wont have to talk about it and i wont have to deal with it and maybe... just maybe... it will go away. and when it goes away then i can just look back and think "see... everything turned out alright." but who am i kidding? seriously. im a mess. thats the only way i can describe it because theres so many different things mushed into one. and its a big fat mess. people say "the teen years are always rough.." but i think about that and realize that my "teen years" seemed to start too soon. i feel like i had to grow up fast when i was younger and i stopped myself short from finishing up the happy childhood that i should have had and maybe i wouldnt feel so messed up and uncapable of staying happy now. i dont know if that makes sense. i think about what i used to be like before i got to middle school and wonder where it all went? i like to hope that somewhere its still deep down inside of me hidden somewhere and i can still find it someday, but in this very moment, i feel like its just rotting away, all i have are memories. im sick of writing all this shit... it doesnt do anything. it doesnt solve anything. i just need to vent.

i dont know what to do with myself. im sorry.

i got these done after work tonight. (see picture below).




oh, and Jeanine is finished.









ps: you are awesome :o) (see... you're still here haha)

i wish i meant more to you.

saturday i got my outline done. this saturday i go back and get it finished and colored. i am so excited. i love her already and shes not even finished yet. its going to look wonderful. its by Gil Elvgren, one of the most important pin-up artists of the twentieth century. i love his work. i want to name her, but i dont know what yet. Her name is Jeanine. She's named after someone very special to me.